Saturday, October 1, 2011

Stupid fucking advice from blogs.

So I was reading this guide with fairly useful rules, and since these are fairly decent ideas, I will follow them!
*I will be using > to quote things, as it is easier and more convenient for me to do so.*
> 1. Use lists
Yea, because lists NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER get boring, and require SO much talent to write and are SO original. In fact, I will do it now!
> 2. Be topical...write posts that need to be read right now
I would say more about this, but this contradicts another useful tip. Isn't it so fucking wonderful when tips contradict themselves?
> 3. Learn enough to become an expert in your field.
What if you are me, and you blog about w/e the fuck you want? Do I have to become in expert in fucking EVERYTHING? Including the inner workings of your rectum?
> 4. Break News
Of course, since reporters go to BLOGGERS first with all the news, and not news reporters. 
>5. Be timeless... write posts that will be readable in a year
But you said to write posts that are topical, which go with the current topic in tip 2? Something that's topical now, wont be in a year. However, if I write about things that are not topical, then they can be read whenever with the same effect. So which one is it Seth?
> 6. Be among the first with a great blog on your topic, then encourage others to blog on the same topic.
This is a valid point, I wont argue with it (sorry for the font and size change)
>7. Share your expertise generously so people recognize it and depend on you.
So, I should share my knowledge of a scrotum with the rest of the world? Why would people depend on ME for info, when they can do a simple google search and get other opinions first to make sure I'm actually correct (well I am, but they still need to confirm this).
>8. Announce News
Same problem as 4 dipshit.
>9. Write short pithy posts
This one is ALSO contradictory to another one, great way to go.
>10. Encourage your readers to help you manipulate the technorati top blog list.
Valid point, although it seems a tad petty.
>11. Don't write about your cat, boyfriend, or your kids.
Also FUCKING CONTRADICTORY. You can't get shit right.
>12. Write long, definitive posts.
Contradicts number 9.
> 13. Write about your kids
Contradicts 11. 
>14. Be snarky. Write nearly libelous things about fellow bloggers, daring them to respond (with links back to you) on their blog.
He's right. Starting a flame war = Attention.
>15. Be sycophantic. Share linklove and expect some back.
This is also true. Be nice to other people, and SOME will be nice back.
>16. Include polls, meters and other eye candy.
Also true, hey look 3 in a row! Pretty good considering out of 16 tips, only 5 are valid. That's a whole 31.25% bud. 
>17. Tag your posts. Use del.ico.ous
Tags don't do shit on popular things, since blogs more popular then yours will be on the first few pages. 
>18. Coin a term or two.
Wont really help bring traffic, wont really do shit. Your point?
>19. Do email interviews with the well-known.
If your small time self can get interviews with the "well-known" then other bigger people can as well. You will be just a lesser, dumbed down version of the giants.
>20. Answer your e-mail.
Is this a list on how to GET traffic, or how to KEEP it?
>21. Use photos. Salacious ones are best.
This would usually only apply to the male audience, but since there are no girls on the internet I guess you have a point. 6/21, yippdy fucking doo.
>22. Be anonymous
How the shit does that help bring traffic? You'd probably get more traffic from doing this by posting on some anonymous image board somewhere.
>23. Encourage your readers to digg your posts. (and to use furl and reddit).Do it with every post.
Nice idea, but then your blog ends up 90% links to digg/reddit/furl/myspace/etc and actual content. Keep it to one or two links.
>24. Post your photos on flickr.
Never used flickr, so I wont comment.
>25. Encourage your readers to subscribe by RSS.
Eh, fine.
>26. Start at the beginning and take your readers through a months-long education.
Then your blog starts getting fucking redundant. This also blocks of writing about anything else, since using this readers will read your blog for that one topic. Then leave when you're done writing about it.
>27. Include comments so that your blog becomes a virtual water cooler that feeds itself.
HOW. THE. FUCK. DOES. THIS. BRING. TRAFFIC? This will only allow your current readers to communicate with each other.
>28. Assume that every day is the beginning, because you always have new readers.
So make all the mistakes I did at the beginning? Real good plan.
>29. Highlight your best posts on your Squidoo lens.
What the hell is a squidoo?
>30. Point to useful but little-known resources.
This might bring some temporary traffic if people are looking for a particular source, so I guess I'll let you have it. 7/30.
>31. Write about stuff that appeals to the majority of current blog readers--like gadgets and web 2.0
Sure, because NO ONE ever does that. Again, like I stated the more popular people will get the clicks and drown you out.
>32. Write about Google.
Since 3 million other people have not done this already.
>33. Have relevant ads that are even better than your content.
Yet again, we have another contradictory statement. However, this if makes NO FUCKING SENSE. People go to a blog for content, and when the best thing on your blog is the ads; that really says a lot for your writing style.
>34. Don't include comments, people will cross post their responses.
You contradictory bitch
>35. Write posts that each include dozens of trackbacks to dozens of blog posts so that people will notice you.
I guess this would work, still seems a tad petty.
>36. Run no ads.
This contradicts, and is more logically stable, then number 33.
>37. Keep tweaking your template to make it include every conceivable bell or whistle.
Because that DEFINITELY will never start to look messy.
>38. Write about blogging.
If you want sure, go ahead. Remember this, millions of others have done this same thing.
>39. Digest the good ideas of other people, all day, every day.
It's good to learn from the pros, I'll admit this. 8/39
>40. Invent a whole new kind of art or interaction
If you can do it, go ahead. It might just push you to the top. First actual half assed point. 9/40
>41. Post on weekdays, because there are more readers.
Does it really matter? Unless you remove your blogs after an hour or some shit, people can read your stuff whenever they want.
>42. Write about a never-ending parade of different topics so you don't bore your readers.
Contradicts 26
>43. Post on weekends, because there are fewer new posts.
See 41
>44. Don't interrupt your writing with a lot of links.
Con.Tra.Dic.tory. Learn what the fucking word means and how it's bad.
>45. Dress your blog (fonts and design) as well as you would dress yourself for a meeting with a stranger.
Well that does make it look nice, just keep it easy to read. I beg you. 10/45
>46. Edit yourself. Ruthlessly.
Yes, yes, yes, yes. Do this, a lot. 11/46
>47. Don't promote yourself and your business or your books or your projects at the expense of the reader's attention.
Sure, valid point. Three in a row again. 12/47. Would be a valid point if you fucking followed it. Not only do you contradict yourself, but you are a hypocrite. Congratu-fucking-lations.
>48. Be patient.
No shit.
>49. Give credit to those that inspired, it makes your writing more useful.
How the fuck does it make it useful? Just makes you want to read whomever inspired your stealing bitch ass.
>50. Ping technorati. Or have someone smarter than me tell you how to do it automatically.
I have no fucking idea what or who a "technorati" so no comment.
>51. Write about only one thing, in ever-deepening detail, so you become definitive.
MORE CONTRADICTIONS! IT'S LIKE FUCKING STARBURST IN HERE. LETS FIND SOME MORE JUICY CONTRADICTIONS!
>52. Write in English.
Sure 13/52
>53. Better, write in Chinese
Now you are just getting silly.
>54. Write about obscure stuff that appeals to an obsessed minority.
Because this really brings in the traffic.
>55. Don't be boring.
No shit?
>56. Write stuff that people want to read and share
Again, no shit?

Lets see what your score is. To be generous, I'll round up to 20/56. That's 35.71%. An F. Hell, even if I gave you a 30/56 that's still 53.5%, which is still an F. Hell, lets be even more generous. I'll give you 35/56. Which is, 62.5. Still, an F. Congrats, you fail at making any fucking sense.

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